In their foolhardy quest to collect every item, this player comes 1,297 short.

• "I survived Y2K" T-Shirt
• 'Villa' document
• 1 Meat
• 17-ball
• 18-picohertz resonator crystal
• 2002 Mr. Store Catalog
• A Guide to Burning Leaves
• A Guide to Safari
• Acqua Del Piatto Merlot
• Acque Luride Grezze Cabernet
• Admiral's hat
• Adventurer's Kit
• Alice's Army booster box
• Amulet of Perpetual Darkness
• Anniversary Miniature Sword & Martini Guy
• Annual Ascot
• Antagonistic Snowman Kit
• Apathargic Bandersnatch
• Apriling band helmet
• Arr, M80
• Ascension Souvenir T-Shirt
• Banfoy's Boutique Order Form
• Barney's rake
• Bastille Battalion Fondue Trophy
• Bastille Battalion control rig crate
• Bastille Battalion tattoo kit
• Beach Comb Box
• Bee's Knees
• Better Shrooms and Gardens catalog
• Bigger Bugfinder Blade
• Bird-a-Day calendar
• Black Bart's Booty
• Black and White Apron Enrollment Form
• Boltsmann ID badge
• Boris's Helm (askew)
• Boris's beer
• Boris's bread
• Bowl of Infinite Jelly
• Boxing Day care package
• Brandonian footlocker key
• Breathitin™
• Bugfinder Blade
• Build-a-City Gingerbread kit
• C.B.F.G.
• Calzone of Legend
• Cargo Cultist Shorts
• Carol of the Bulls (used)
• Carol of the Hells (used)
• Carol of the Thrills (used)
• Cat-Herding Prod
• Champagne Shimmy
• Charter: Nellyville
• Chateau Mantegna room key
• Chef Boy, R&D's business card
• Cheshire Bitten
• ChibiBuddy™ (off)
• Children's Meal of the Damned
• Christmas ham
• Cincho de Mayo
• Clan Carnival Game
• Clan Floundry
• Clan VIP Lounge key
• Clan hot dog stand
• Clan looking glass
• Clan pool table
• Clan shower
• Clan speakeasy
• Cocktails of the Age of Sail (used)
• Colera Peste Nebbiolo
• Comma Chameleon egg
• Comprehensive Cartographic Compendium
• Congressional Medal of Insanity
• Convincing People You Can See The Future
• Counterclockwise Watch
• Covert Ops for Kids
• Covert Ops for Kids (used)
• Crimbo P. R. E. S. S. I. E.
• Crimbo cookie sheet
• Crimbo pants
• Crimbo pressie
• Crimbo sapling
• Crimbo stocking
• Crimbot schematic: Data Analyzer
• Crimbot schematic: Ribbon Manipulator
• Crimbot schematic: Rocket Skirt
• Crimbough
• Crimbuccaneer premium booty sack
• DIY protonic accelerator kit
• Dallas Dynasty Falcon Crest shield
• Dark Jill-O-Lantern
• Dark Jill-of-All-Trades
• Daylight Shavings Helmet
• Deactivated MiniMechaElf
• Dear Past Self Package
• Deep Dish of Legend
• Diamond HP-35 Calculator
• Discontent™ Winter Garden Catalog
• Discount Telescope Warehouse gift certificate
• Distant Woods Getaway Brochure
• Doc's Limbering Wine
• Doc's Medical-Grade Wine
• Doc's Smartifying Wine
• Doc's Special Reserve Wine
• Doll Moll violin case
• Dolph Bossin's charity note
• Dreadsylvanian hemlock
• Dreadsylvanian spooky pocket
• Dreadsylvanian stink pocket
• Drip Institute petri dish
• Dripwood slab
• Easter eggnog
• Easter grasshopper
• Ed the Undying exhibit crate
• Elf Guard Field Manual: Culinary Arts (used)
• Elf Guard Field Manual: Extortion (used)
• Elf Guard Field Manual: Wilderness Sleeping (used)
• Elf Guard honor present
• Emblem of Ak'gyxoth
• Essence of Annoyance
• Essence of Bear
• Everfull Dart Holster
• Extrovermectin™
• FantasyRealm membership packet
• FantasyRealm tattoo kit
• Ferita Del Petto Zinfandel
• Finnish Fish
• First Post shirt - Cir Senam
• First Post shirt package
• Flag by the Foot™
• Flash Liquidizer Ultra Dousing Accessory
• Fleshazole™
• Flivver
• Folder Holder
• Fourth of May Cosplay Saber kit
• Frank Gorshin trophy
• French-Transylvanian Dictionary
• GameInformPowerDailyPro subscription card
• General Assembly Module
• God Lobster Egg
• Golden HP-35 Calculator
• Golden Mr. Accessory
• Golden Mr. Eh?
• Gordon Beer's Beer Garden Catalog
• Granny Tood's Thanksgarden Catalog
• Great Ball of Frozen Fire
• Great S-Cape
• Gregarious Gregorian Smock
• Grimacite Bock
• Grimacite gaiters
• Grimacite galoshes
• Grimacite garter
• Grimacite gasmask
• Grimacite gat
• Grimacite gauntlets
• Grimacite girdle
• Grimacite glaive
• Grimacite go-go boots
• Grimacite goggles
• Grimacite gorget
• Grimacite gown
• Grimacite greaves
• Grimacite guayabera
• Grumpy Bumpkin's Pumpkin Seed Catalog
• Gummi-Memory
• Guzzlr application
• Guzzlr hat
• Guzzlr souvenir stein
• Guzzlr tablet
• Guzzlr tattoo kit
• Gygaxian Libram
• HOA zombie eyes
• HP-35 Calculator
• Hanukkimbo dreidl
• Hat O' Nine Tails
• Hodgman's imaginary hamster
• Holiday Hal's Happy-Time Fun Book!
• Holiday Multitasking
• Holiday Multitasking (used)
• Homebodyl™
• Horsery contract
• Hot Socks
• How To Get Bigger Without Really Trying
• How to Lose Friends and Attract Snakes
• How to Lose Friends and Attract Snakes (used)
• How to Tolerate Jerks
• Hoyle's Guide to Reindeer Games
• Hoyle's Guide to Reindeer Games (used)
• Idol of Ak'gyxoth
• Illustrated Mating Rituals of the Gallapagos
• Irish eggnog
• Ish Kabibble
• Island Drinkin', a Tiki Mixology Odyssey
• Item #13
• Iunion Crown
• January's Garbage Tote (unopened)
• Jarlsberg's pan (Cosmic portal mode)
• Jarlsberg's vegetable soup
• Jekyllin hide belt
• Jeppson's Malort
• Jick's autograph
• Jick-o-User
• June cleaver
• Junior Adventurer's kit
• Junior LAAAAME merit badge
• Jurassic Parka
• KoL Con 12-gauge
• KoL Con 3-D Glasses
• KoL Con 8-Bit power bracelet
• KoL Con Cinco Piñata Bat
• KoL Con IV Pole
• KoL Con Six Pack
• KoL Con X Bingo Card
• KoL Con X Treasure Map
• KoLHS Pep Squad Box
• Kramco Industries packing carton
• LARP carp
• LI-11 Motor Pool voucher
• LIDAR candle
• LT&T telegraph office deed
• Lazenby's Life Lesson
• Leapin' Trousers
• Left-Hand Man action figure
• Letter from Carrie Bradshaw
• Libram of BRICKOs
• Libram of Candy Heart Summoning
• Libram of Divine Favors
• Libram of Love Songs
• Libram of Pulled Taffy
• Libram of Resolutions
• Living to Drink, Drinking to Live
• Loathing Legion abacus
• Loathing Legion can opener
• Loathing Legion chainsaw
• Loathing Legion corkscrew
• Loathing Legion defibrillator
• Loathing Legion double prism
• Loathing Legion electric knife
• Loathing Legion flamethrower
• Loathing Legion hammer
• Loathing Legion helicopter
• Loathing Legion jackhammer
• Loathing Legion kitchen sink
• Loathing Legion knife
• Loathing Legion many-purpose hook
• Loathing Legion necktie
• Loathing Legion pizza stone
• Loathing Legion rollerblades
• Loathing Legion tape measure
• Loathing Legion tattoo needle
• Loathing Legion universal screwdriver
• Love Potions and the Wizards who Mix Them
• Lucky Lindy
• MAHI fez
• Mafia bow tie
• Mafia stogie
• Mafia violin case
• Maiali Sifilitici Pinot Noir
• Make-Your-Own-Vampire-Fangs kit
• Manual of Lock Picking
• Manual of Numberology
• Manual of Secret Door Detection
• Manual of Transcendent Olfaction
• Map to Kokomo
• March hat
• Marltini
• Martialest Arts trophy
• Marvelous Unitard
• MayDay™ contract
• Mayam Calendar
• Mayam spinach
• McPhee's Grimoire of Hilarious Object Summoning
• Meat Butler
• Mer-kin eyedrops
• Merc Core challenge coin
• Mint Salton Pepper's Peppermint Seed Catalog
• Mjolnir Jr.
• Mmm-brr! brand mouthwash
• Mob Penguin protection contract
• Monster Manuel
• Moping Artistic Goth Kid
• Mr. Accessaturday
• Mr. Accessory
• Mr. Big's Wallet
• Mr. Container
• Mr. Eh?
• Mr. Exploiter
• Mr. Shirt
• Mrs. Rush
• Mt. Noob Pale Ale
• Mu
• Murgatroyd diode
• My Life of Crime, a Memoir
• My Own Pen Pal kit
• Mysterious Stranger
• N. O. Beer
• Never Don't Stop Not Striving
• Neverending Party favor
• Neverending Party invitation envelope
• New-You Club Membership Form
• Newbiesport™ backpack
• Nog-on-the-Cob
• Non-Euclidean Finance
• Official Seal of Dreadsylvania
• Olympic-sized Clan crate
• Oopsie IPA
• Order of the Green Thumb Order Form
• Otorian Battle Scar
• Our Daily Candles™ order form
• PARTY HARD T-shirt
• PB&BP
• Pack of Every Card
• Panda outfit
• Para-Pop
• Party Planning on a Budget
• Party Tattoo™ gift certificate
• Peek-a-Boo!
• Periodical Paintbrush
• Pete & Jackie's Dragon Tooth Emporium Catalog
• Pete's rich ricotta
• Pete's wiley whey bar
• Petite Paintbrush
• Phonus Balonus
• PirateRealm guest pass
• PirateRealm membership packet
• Pizza of Legend
• Platinum Yendorian Express Card
• Pocket Guide to Mild Evil
• Pocket Meteor Guide
• Pocket Professor memory chip
• Pokéfam Guide to Capturing All of Them
• Powerful Glove
• Professor of Spelunkology
• Quartet of Flare Masters Jacket
• ROM of Optimality
• Radio Free Baseball Cap
• Radio Free Foil
• Radio Free Jersey
• Radio Free Pants
• Radio KoL Antenna Ball
• Radio KoL Bottle Opener
• Radio KoL Coffee Mug
• Radio KoL Flashlight
• Radio KoL Keychain
• Radio KoL Maracas
• Radio KoL Patch
• Rainbow Jello Mould
• Rainbow's Gravity
• Recipe of Before Yore: roasted vegetable of J.
• Red Fox glove
• Red Roger tattoo kit
• Red Roger's skull
• Retrospecs
• Retrospecs try-at-home kit
• Rock Garden Guide
• Roman Candelabra
• S.I.T. Course Completion Certificate
• S.I.T. Course Voucher
• Scandalously Skimpy Bikini
• Schmalz's First Prize Beer
• Scratch 'n' Sniff Sticker Tome
• Scurvy and Sobriety Prevention
• Sealed TakerSpace letter of Marque
• Seasonal Beret
• Secrets of the Master Egg Hunters
• Senior LAAAAME merit badge
• Sept-Ember Censer
• Septapus summoning charm
• Seven Loco
• Sexy Cosmo
• Silly Little Love Song
• Silver HP-35 Calculator
• Site Alpha ID badge
• Size XI Wizard's Robe
• Sloppy Jalopy
• Small Medium
• Sneaky Pete's leather jacket
• Sockdollager
• Solstice Shield
• Sombrero De Vida
• SongBoom™ BoomBox Box
• Sorcerers of the Shore Grimoire
• Source terminal
• Sourfinger
• Southern yam
• Souvenir Chopsticks
• Sp'n-Zor's Grimoire of "Tasteful" Gifts
• Spacegate access badge
• Spasmi Dolorosi Del Rene Champagne
• SpinMaster™ lathe
• Spirit of Christmas
• Spirit of Easter
• Spirit of St. Patrick's Day
• Spirit of Thanksgiving
• Spirit of Veteran's Day
• Spooky Putty ball
• Spooky Putty leotard
• Spooky Putty mitre
• Spooky Putty monster
• Spooky Putty snake
• Spooky VHS Tape
• St. Pete's sneaky smoothie
• Staff of Frozen Lard
• Staff of Queso Escusado
• Staff of the Peppermint Twist
• Star of Bravery
• Steamboat
• Strong, Silent Type
• Stupid University Diploma
• Superhero Reboots
• TakerSpace letter of Marque
• Talisman of Baio
• Talisman of Bakula
• Temporal Tempera Tube
• Thanksgiving ration
• The Big Book of Every Skill
• The Confiscator's Grimoire
• The Encyclopedia of Fruit (used)
• The Eye of the Thing in the Basement
• The Fingernail of the Thing in the Basement
• The Groose in the Hoose
• The Kloop in the Coop
• The Smith's Tome
• The Spirit of Crimbo
• The Spirit of Giving
• They'll Love You In Rhinestones
• Thinknerd's Grimoire of Geeky Gifts
• Thwaitgold Illinigina illinoiensis model
• Thwaitgold ant statuette
• Thwaitgold anti-moth statuette
• Thwaitgold harvestman statuette
• Thwaitgold listening bug statuette
• Thwaitgold mosquito-in-amber statuette
• Thwaitgold shield bug statuette
• Thwaitgold splendor beetle statuette
• Thwaitgold wolf spider statuette
• Tickle-Me Emilio
• Time Cloak
• Time Juice
• Time Lord Badge of Honor
• Toddler-sized Dragon Costume
• Tome of Clip Art
• Tome of Rad Libs
• Tome of Snowcone Summoning
• Tome of Sugar Shummoning
• Too Cold to Hold: How to Be Cool - A Memoir
• Too Cold to Hold: How to Be Cool - A Memoir (read)
• Toot Oriole care package
• Totally Gay Claymore
• Unagnimated Gnome
• Underworld acorn
• Underworld sapling
• Underworld trunk
• Unionize The Elves sign
• Unkillable Skeleton's restless leg
• Unmotivator: Crashed Meat Car
• Unmotivator: Crashed Orca
• Unmotivator: Success Warrior
• Unopened Eight Days a Week Pill Keeper
• Uovo Marcio Shiraz
• Val-U Brand Every Bean Salad
• Valentine's Day cake
• Velougats™
• Velvet Veil
• Voluminous Radio Hat
• Voluminous Radio Pants
• Voluminous Radio Sneakers
• Warehouse 23 bling
• Warehouse 23 crate
• Witchess Set
• X-32-F snowman crate
• Xi Receiver Unit
• Xlyinia's notebook
• Yeti Protest Sign
• [reuse me]
• a bug's lymph
• a cute angel
• a suspicious address
• abyssal battle plans
• adobe abacus
• adobe abaya
• adobe adze
• adobe arsecover
• adobe ascot
• adobe assortment
• adobe ayam
• adobe brittle
• adventurer clone egg
• airplane charter: Conspiracy Island
• airplane charter: Dinseylandfill
• airplane charter: Spring Break Beach
• airplane charter: That 70s Volcano
• airplane charter: The Glaciest
• alabaster bishop
• alabaster king
• alabaster knight
• alabaster queen
• alabaster rook
• alien animal milk
• alien plant pod
• anchor bomb
• ancient redwood
• anniversary gift box
• anti-burn cream
• anti-creep cream
• anti-freeze cream
• anti-goosebump cream
• anti-odor cream
• anti-pain cream
• arcanoferric housing
• archaeologing shovel
• arrow'd heart balloon
• arse-shooting crossbow
• astral badger
• astronaut ice-cream
• august scepter
• autumn dollar
• autumnal aegis
• autumnic balm
• autumnic bomb
• avatar of the Unconscious Collective
• aviator goggles
• baby camelCalf
• baby chest mimic
• backup camera
• bacteria bisque
• bad penguin egg
• bag of Iunion stones
• bag of sausage links
• bagged Cargo Cultist Shorts
• bagged stuffed "L"
• baked veggie ricotta casserole
• banana split
• banana-frosted king cake
• bar of freeze-dried water
• basking robin
• bat wings
• battoo kit
• beet
• beggin' cologne
• bejazzled eyepatch
• best joke ever
• big ol' trophy
• bindle of joy
• biomechanical crimborg helmet
• biomechanical crimborg leg armor
• birthday candle
• blank note
• blank white card
• blown-out speaker cone
• blue glowstick
• blue plate
• blue ribbon
• blue rocket
• blue traffic cone
• blueberry muffin
• blueberry-frosted king cake
• bodyguard badge
• bodyslam
• bolder boulder
• bone broth
• book of facts
• book of facts (dog-eared)
• boot flask
• boot plant
• booze mailing list
• bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon
• bottle of dark rhum
• bottle of extra-dark rhum
• bottle of lovebug pheromones
• bottle of super-extra-dark rhum
• bottled Vampire Vintner
• bottled green pixie
• bow
• bowl of oriole's nest soup
• bowl of prescription candy
• box o' ghosts
• box of bear arms
• boxed Apriling band helmet
• boxed Mayam Calendar
• boxed Sept-Ember Censer
• boxed august scepter
• boxed autumn-aton
• boxed bat wings
• bran muffin
• bucket of ancient Vampyre blood
• bugbear-smiting sword
• bullet necklace
• burnt stick
• calm attention-deficit demon
• candied almond
• candied beef and cabbage
• candy cane sword cane
• candy cornucopia
• candy egg deviler
• candy mailing list
• candy rations
• canteen of jungle juice
• carbonite visor
• cat o' nine teeth
• cement shoes
• ceramic celsiturometer
• ceramic cenobite's robe
• ceramic cerecloth belt
• ceramic scree
• cherry bomb
• chiffon carbage
• chiffon chakram
• chiffon chamberpot
• chiffon chapeau
• chiffon chaps
• chiffon chemise
• chiffon chevrons
• chiffon lemon
• chili powder cutlass
• chitin powder paste
• chocolate chip muffin
• chocolate covered ping-pong ball
• chocolate ostrich egg
• chocolate-covered loofah
• chocolate-frosted king cake
• ciliophora chowder
• clan underground fireworks shop
• class five ecto-larva
• claw-held flag
• clerical automa-core
• closed-circuit pay phone
• closed-circuit phone system
• clovermint
• club sandwich
• coal paperweight
• cocoa egg
• coffee sprite
• cold medicine cabinet
• colossal free-range mushroom
• combat lover's locket
• combat lover's locket lockbox
• comfy blanket
• coney haunch
• consolation ribbon
• container of Spooky Putty
• cookbookbat book
• coping juice
• corked genie bottle
• corned-beef Reuben
• cosmic bucket
• cotton candy cocoon
• crabsicle
• crated wardrobe-o-matic
• crazy bastard sword
• cream of chloroplasts
• crimbo elfling
• crude oil congealer
• crunchy brush
• crushed steamer trunk
• crystallized pumpkin spice
• cup of "tea"
• cursed Aztec tamale
• cursed chocolate doubloon
• cursed magnifying glass
• cursed microwave
• cursed monkey glove
• cursed monkey's paw
• cursed pony keg
• custom avatar form
• dandy lion cub
• dark chocolate egg
• day shortener
• deactivated RoboGoose
• deactivated mini-Trainbot
• deactivated nanobots
• deanimated reanimator's coffin
• deed to Oliver's Place
• defective Golden Mr. Accessory
• deflated inflatable dodecapede
• deluxe Neverending Party favor
• designer sweatpants
• designer sweatpants (new old stock)
• detective school application
• deviled candy egg
• dirty bottlecap
• dirty martini
• discarded button
• disconnected intergnat
• distilled resin
• do-it-yourself laser eye surgery kit
• doppelshifter egg
• double daisy
• double-candied yams
• dreaming Jung man
• drippy bezoar
• drippy bromide
• drippy caviar
• drippy enzyme
• drippy flux
• drippy grub
• drippy ichor
• drippy nugget
• drippy pigment
• drippy plum(?)
• drippy salt
• drippy seed
• drippy snail shell
• dromedary drinking helmet
• earthenware muffin tin
• egg gun
• elbow soup
• electric mushroom
• electronic Brain Trainer game
• elf sleeper agent
• ember egg
• embering hunk
• emo roe
• emotion chip
• empty Rain-Doh can
• empty hourglass
• envelope full of Meat
• evil flaming eyeball pendant
• evil noodles
• evil paper umbrella
• exclusive ultra-rare item
• extra DNA
• extra ooze
• extra special Crimbo stocking
• extra time
• extra-grubby grub
• extra-hard jawbreaker
• fairy-worn boots
• familiar scrapbook
• fettucini épines Inconnu recipe
• fettucini Inconnu
• fetus-smashing club
• fire ant pheromones
• fire crackers
• fish sauce
• fishcake
• fist turkey outline
• fistful of wood shavings
• fixodent
• flagellate flagon
• flagellate soup
• flagstone fez
• flagstone flagments
• flagstone fleece
• flagstone flip-flops
• flagstone fringe
• flaming familiar doppelgänger
• flaming juggler's balls
• flaming leaf crown
• flashing novelty button
• flask of moonshine
• flickering pixel
• floaty stone sphere
• food mailing list
• forest canopy bed
• four-leaf potato sprout
• fragile Christmas ornament
• fragment of Jarlsberg's soul
• frankincenser
• fresh can of paint
• fresh coat of paint
• frost-rimed desk bell
• frozen tofu pop
• fruity pebble
• funny paper hat
• fuzzy bracelets
• gasmask
• gattoo
• genie bottle
• gilded BRICKO chalice
• glass of "milk"
• glass of drippy wine
• glob of extra-green chlorophyll
• glowing frisbee
• goblin bone hilt
• goblin collarbone
• golden monkey statuette
• golden pet rock
• golden sausage
• googly chest eyes
• governor's daughter's lace collar
• governor's daughter's pearl hairpin
• governor's daughter's petticoats
• gravy skin
• gravyskin buckler
• gravyskin hat
• gravyskin pants
• gravyskin skirt
• greasy desk bell
• greedy ghostling
• green glowstick
• green traffic cone
• gregarious ghostling
• grey down vest
• grey gosling
• grinning ghostling
• groggles
• grogtini
• grubby wool
• grubby wool beerwarmer
• grubby wool gloves
• grubby wool hat
• grubby wool scarf
• grubby wool trousers
• grubby woolball
• guffin
• guild application
• half-digested rat
• half-height cigar
• hand of Mr. Cards
• hand turkey outline
• handful of split pea soup
• handful of toilet paper
• hard cocoa
• hard rock
• harpoon
• haunted doghouse
• head of emberg lettuce
• heart-shaped crate
• hemp backpack
• heteroerotic frat-paddle
• hi-density nylocite leg armor
• hibernating Grimstone Golem
• hibernating robot reindeer
• hippo tutu
• hobo monkey
• hockey stick of furious angry rage
• holiday smorgasbord
• holiday trip around the world
• homeless hobo spirit
• homemade robot
• honey bun of Boris
• hopeful candle
• hourglass
• house-sized mushroom
• housekeeping automa-core
• hungover chauvinist pig
• hypnodisk
• ice baby
• ice sickle
• ice skates
• iceberglet
• in-the-box spring shoes
• incredibly dense meat gem
• indie comic hipster glasses
• industrial fire extinguisher
• industrial lubricant
• infant sandworm
• infernal snowball
• intact medium-wave antenna
• interesting clod of dirt
• intergalactic pom poms
• jitterbug larva
• jolly roger tattoo kit
• jug of Sneaky Pete's Mojo
• kerosene-soaked skip
• kevlateflocite helmet
• kitten burglar
• large stone triangle
• laser cannon
• laser targeting chip
• latte lovers club card
• leafy browns
• li'l orphan tot
• liar's pants
• lip soup
• lit leaf lasso
• llama lama cria
• locked mumming trunk
• longbox of Batfellow comics
• loofah ladle
• loofah lavalier
• loofah lederhosen
• loofah legwarmers
• loofah lei
• loofah lumberjack's hat
• loofah lumps
• loose blade
• lucky Tam O'Shatner
• lucky army helmet
• lucky moai statuette
• lucky napkin
• luxury fly-tying workbench
• machine elf capsule
• map to Anemone Mine
• map to Dolph Bossin's hideout
• map to Madness Reef
• map to the Cursed Village
• map to the Dive Bar
• map to the Marinara Trench
• map to the Mystic Wood
• map to the Putrid Swamp
• map to the Skate Park
• map to the Sprawling Cemetery
• map to the Towering Mountains
• marshroom
• mayfly bait necklace
• mechanically-mulled cider
• medium stone triangle
• messenger bag RNA
• meteorite earring
• meteorite fragment
• meteorite necklace
• meteorite ring
• micronova
• military orb
• mini kiwi
• mini kiwi aioli
• mini kiwi antimilitaristic hippy petition
• mini kiwi bikini
• mini kiwi digitized cookies
• mini kiwi egg
• mini kiwi icepick
• mini kiwi illicit antibiotic
• mini kiwi intoxicating spirits
• mini kiwi invisible dirigible
• mini kiwi silicon tiepin
• mini kiwi tipi
• mini kiwi whipping stick
• mini kiwi-flavored aspirin-injecting lipstick
• mini kiwitini
• miniature Embering Hulk
• miniature crystal ball
• miniature stuffed Goth Giant
• miniscule temporal rip
• mint condition Lil' Doctor™ bag
• mint condition magnifying glass
• mint-in-box Powerful Glove
• misshapen animal skeleton
• moai toai
• moaiball
• model train set
• moist sack
• moss floss
• moss mace
• moss mantle
• moss marlinspike
• moss medal
• moss megaphone
• moss mitre
• moss mulch
• mummified entombed cookbookbat
• muscular soup
• mushroom tea
• mutant cactus bud
• mutant fire ant egg
• mutant gila monster egg
• mutant rattlesnake egg
• myrrh pouch
• mysterious chest
• name change form
• nasty desk bell
• nativity shorts
• naughty fortune teller
• naughty origami kit
• naughty paper shuriken
• nauseating reagent
• neck wreath
• nervous tick egg
• nest egg
• newborn kobold
• newly-hatched mayonnaise wasp
• nice warm beer
• ninja pirate zombie robot
• non-Euclidean angle
• note from Clancy
• nutcracking pliers
• nylon Christmas stockings
• off-hand balloon
• old school Mafia knickerbockers
• old-fashioned Crimbo Pressie
• one million meat pancakes
• onyx bishop
• onyx king
• onyx knight
• onyx pawn
• onyx queen
• onyx rook
• optimal spreadsheet
• orange glowstick
• orange traffic cone
• organ grinder
• organic potpourri
• origami "gentlemen's" magazine
• origami riding crop
• orphan baby yeti
• out-of-work circus flea
• overloaded short-pulse transistor
• packaged Daylight Shavings Helmet
• packaged Everfull Dart Holster
• packaged June cleaver
• packaged Jurassic Parka
• packaged Pocket Professor
• packaged Roman Candelabra
• packaged SpinMaster™ lathe
• packaged backup camera
• packaged cold medicine cabinet
• packaged familiar scrapbook
• packaged industrial fire extinguisher
• packaged knock-off retro superhero cape
• packaged luxury garment
• packaged miniature crystal ball
• packaged model train set
• packet of mayfly bait
• packet of orchid seeds
• packet of rock seeds
• panicked kernel
• pantogram
• paraffin pieces
• party pup
• passed-out psychedelic bear
• pea brittle
• peace shooter
• peace turkey outline
• peasco sour
• peaza
• pebble of proud pyrite
• peppermint donut
• peppermint pegleg
• peppermint syrup
• perfect Christmas scarf
• perfectly ordinary frog
• personal raindrop
• personalized wassail stein
• petrified time
• photo booth sized crate
• piece of cake
• pile of gritty sand
• pile of loose snow
• pile of smoking rags
• pink glowstick
• pirate encryption key (complete)
• pirate fork
• pirate hook
• pirate pantaloons
• pirate shaving cream
• pirrrate's currrse
• pixel bread
• pixel rock
• pixel whiskey
• plain calzone
• plans for depleted Grimacite astrolabe
• plans for depleted Grimacite grappling hook
• plans for depleted Grimacite gravy boat
• plans for depleted Grimacite hammer
• plans for depleted Grimacite ninja mask
• plans for depleted Grimacite shinguards
• plans for depleted Grimacite weightlifting belt
• plastic piranha pot
• plexifoam chin strap
• polymorphic fastening apparatus
• pompadour'd puppy
• potato jacket
• potted power plant
• potted tea tree
• powdered madness
• power seed
• praying Grim Brother
• present
• primitive alien blowgun
• primitive alien loincloth
• primitive alien necklace
• primitive alien spear
• primitive alien totem
• pro skateboard
• profane eye patch
• prohie's hat
• proto-proto-protozoa
• protogenetic chunklet (elbow)
• protogenetic chunklet (flagellum)
• protogenetic chunklet (lips)
• protogenetic chunklet (muscle)
• protogenetic chunklet (synapse)
• pumpkin spice whorl
• puppet strings
• purple glowstick
• purpleheart logs
• puzzling trophy
• pygmy bugbear shaman
• quantized familiar
• quantized familiar experience
• quantum of familiar
• quantum watch
• raffle prize box
• raffle ticket
• ragged wool yarn
• rainbow pearl
• rainbow pearl earring
• rainbow pearl necklace
• rainbow pearl ring
• rare oboe
• ratatouille de Jarlsberg
• real cowboy hat
• really nice lump of coal
• red traffic cone
• red-hot medallion
• red-soled high heels
• red-spotted snapper roe
• rehearsing dramatic hedgehog
• repaid diaper
• replica Ten Dollars
• research fragment
• rigging knot
• roasted vegetable focaccia
• roasted vegetable of Jarlsberg
• room scale green bean casserole
• rose-colored glasses
• rubber WWBBDD? bracelet
• rum ball
• rune-strewn spoon cocoon
• salmagumdi
• sampler size toothpaste
• sane hatrack
• sangria del diablo
• sausage golem
• second-hand knockoff engagement ring
• set of Unobtainium straps
• shadow brick
• shadow candle
• shadow candy
• shadow chef's hat
• shadow hammer
• shadow hot dog
• shadow martini
• shadow monocle
• shadow needle
• shadow pill
• shadow trousers
• shadowy cheat sheet
• sharp tin strip
• shim of shame shale
• shortest-order cook
• shot of Sneaky Pete's Mojo
• shrine to the Barrel god
• shrink-wrapped 2002 Mr. Store Catalog
• shrink-wrapped Cincho de Mayo
• siesta-ing Casagnova gnome
• signal receiver
• silicon-infused gluteal shield
• silk garter snake
• silky pirate drawers
• silver sausage
• sinister ancient tablet
• sinistral homunculus
• sizzling desk bell
• skewered cherry
• skewered jumbo olive
• skewered lime
• skull capacitor
• slap and slap again recipe
• sleeping patriotic eagle
• sleeping piano cat
• sleeping profane parrot
• slime-covered staff
• small Crimbo Pressie
• small stone triangle
• smoldering box
• smoldering leafcutter ant egg
• snowman-enchanting tophat
• sober pill
• soft cap of diminishing returns
• souvenir flag
• space pirate treasure map
• space planula
• space trooper helmet
• sparkly engagement ring
• spinal-fluid-covered emotion chip
• spooky rattling cigar box
• spring shoes
• squamous polyp
• squirming Slime larva
• stained glass shards
• stained hard candy
• star pop
• status cymbal
• steaming evil
• sticky sword blade
• still grill
• stinky cheese ball
• stinky cheese diaper
• stinky cheese eye
• stinky cheese wheel
• strange stone pyramid
• structural ember
• stuffed "L"
• stuffed club
• stuffed dinosaur
• stuffed yam stinkbomb
• stuffed-shirt scarecrow
• styrofoam peanuts
• super-heated leaf
• superhero mask
• suspicious package
• suspicious stocking
• sweat-ade
• sweaty balsam
• sweet nutcracker
• sweet potato o' mine
• sweet potato punch
• synaptic soup
• tabletop candy dispenser
• talisman of Seshat
• talkative skull
• tankard of spiced Goldschlepper
• tankard of spiced rum
• tattered paper crown
• tattoo gun
• tattoo of two turkeys
• tearaway pants
• terra cotta tidbits
• terra panna cotta
• testy toolbox
• thanksgiving bomb
• thermos of "whiskey"
• thriftshop coupon
• throwin' ember
• tie-dye headband
• tied-up flaming leaflet
• tied-up flaming monstera
• tied-up leaviathan
• time sleigh
• tiny Tina gun
• tiny consolation ribbon
• tiny ember
• tiny handful of mixed nuts
• tiny plastic "Santa Claus"
• tiny plastic Colonel Brando
• tiny plastic Easter Island Bunny
• tiny plastic Jedediah and Boiling Cloud
• tiny plastic St. Patrick
• tiny plastic spoiler
• tiny stillsuit
• tooth cap
• toothy trousers
• traumatic holiday memory
• tropical Crimbo pressie
• turchucken
• twitching space egg
• ultimate wad
• ultra-soft ferns
• unbreakable umbrella
• uncanny desk bell
• undamaged Unbreakable Umbrella
• undrilled cosmic bowling ball
• unearthed volcanic meteoroid
• unemployed hunchbacked minion
• unevolved organism
• uniclops egg
• unoccupied sheep suit
• unopened Bird-a-Day calendar
• unopened diabolic pizza cube box
• unopened tiny stillsuit
• unpowered Robortender
• untorn tearaway pants package
• unwound cymbal-playing monkey
• unwound mechanical songbird
• unwrapped knock-off retro superhero cape
• vampyric cloake pattern
• vanilla-frosted king cake
• velour veneer
• vesper
• vial of humanoid growth hormone
• void burger
• void lager
• void shard
• void stone
• voodoo doll
• voter registration form
• wad of Crovacite
• wad of spider silk
• warbear black box
• wardrobe-o-matic
• water balloon
• watermelon
• watermelon seed
• webbed comic mask
• wedge of gray cheese
• wheel of camembert
• whirled peas
• wizard action figure
• wormwood stick
• wrapped candy cane sword cane
• wrapping paper
• xo-skeleton-in-a-box
• yam
• yam and swiss
• yam battery
• yam burrito
• yam martini
• yam mayo
• yam slider
• yellow glowstick
• yellow puck
• yellow puck with a bow on it
• yellow traffic cone
• yield shield
• yuletide troll chrysalis
• zombie monkey necklace