In their foolhardy quest to collect every item, this player comes 815 short.

• Franken Stein
• "Humorous" T-shirt
• 'Villa' document
• 1 Meat
• 17-ball
• 18-picohertz resonator crystal
• 20-lb can of rice and beans
• 2002 Mr. Store Catalog
• Abuela Crimbo's special magnet
• Acqua Del Piatto Merlot
• Acque Luride Grezze Cabernet
• Admiral's hat
• Adventurer's Kit
• Anniversary Miniature Sword & Martini Guy
• Annual Ascot
• Apathargic Bandersnatch
• Apriling band helmet
• Arrow (+1)
• Ascension Souvenir T-Shirt
• Azurite
• Banfoy's Boutique Order Form
• Bastille Battalion Fondue Trophy
• Bastille Battalion control rig
• Beach Comb
• Bee's Knees
• Bigger Bugfinder Blade
• Bird-a-Day calendar
• Bowl of Infinite Jelly
• Buddy Bjorn
• Bugfinder Blade
• Cargo Cultist Shorts
• Carol of the Bulls (used)
• Carol of the Hells (used)
• Carol of the Thrills (used)
• Cat-Herding Prod
• Charleston shoes
• Chef Boy, R&D's business card
• Cheshire Bitten
• Christmas ham
• Chroner cross
• Chroner trigger
• Cincho de Mayo
• Clan VIP Lounge key
• Clan looking glass
• Clan pool table
• Clan shower
• Colera Peste Nebbiolo
• Comma Chameleon egg
• Comprehensive Cartographic Compendium (well-read)
• Congressional Medal of Insanity
• Counterclockwise Watch
• Crimbo P. R. E. S. S. I. E.
• Crimbo hat
• Crimbo pants
• Crimbo pressie
• Crimbo stocking
• Crimbo sword
• Crimbo train emergency brake
• Crimbuccaneer bombjacket
• Crimbuccaneer breeches
• Crimbuccaneer fledges (disintegrating)
• Crimbuccaneer fledges (mint)
• Crimbuccaneer flotsam
• Crimbuccaneer invasion map
• Crimbuccaneer lantern
• Crimbuccaneer nose ring
• Crimbuccaneer piece of 12
• Crimbuccaneer runebone
• Crimbuccaneer shirt
• Crimbuccaneer tavern swab
• Crimbuccaneer tricorn
• Crimbuccaneer war standard
• Crown of Thrones
• Dad's brandy
• Dark Jill-O-Lantern
• Daylight Shavings Helmet
• Deactivated MiniMechaElf
• Deck of Every Card
• Diamond HP-35 Calculator
• Doll Moll violin case
• Easter eggnog
• Eight Days a Week Pill Keeper
• Elf Army machine parts
• Elf Guard MPC
• Elf Guard SCUBA tank
• Elf Guard broom
• Elf Guard clipboard
• Elf Guard commandeering gloves
• Elf Guard eyedrops
• Elf Guard fuel tank
• Elf Guard hangover cure
• Elf Guard hotpants
• Elf Guard insignia (general)
• Elf Guard insignia (private)
• Elf Guard mouthknife
• Elf Guard officer's sidearm
• Elf Guard patrol cap
• Elf Guard red and white beret
• Elf Guard strategic map
• Elf Guard tinsel grenade
• Elf Guard war standard
• Elvish underarmor
• Emblem of Ak'gyxoth
• Everfull Dart Holster
• Eye Agate
• FantasyRealm tattoo kit
• Ferita Del Petto Zinfandel
• Flag by the Foot™
• Flivver
• Fourth of May Cosplay Saber
• Frank Gorshin trophy
• Gabarbar
• Garland of Greatness
• General Assembly Module
• Golden Mr. Eh?
• Great Ball of Frozen Fire
• Gregarious Gregorian Smock
• Grimacite gaiters
• Grimacite galoshes
• Grimacite garter
• Grimacite gasmask
• Grimacite gat
• Grimacite gauntlets
• Grimacite girdle
• Grimacite glaive
• Grimacite go-go boots
• Grimacite goggles
• Grimacite gorget
• Grimacite gown
• Grimacite greaves
• Grimacite guayabera
• Guzzlr tablet
• HP-35 Calculator
• Hanukkimbo dreidl
• Hat O' Nine Tails
• Holiday Multitasking
• Holiday Multitasking (used)
• Hot Socks
• Hoyle's Guide to Reindeer Games
• Hoyle's Guide to Reindeer Games (used)
• Idol of Ak'gyxoth
• Ish Kabibble
• Item #13
• Iunion Crown
• January's Garbage Tote
• Jekyllin hide belt
• Jeppson's Malort
• Jick's autograph
• Jick-o-User
• June cleaver
• Junior Adventurer's kit
• Jurassic Parka
• Kelflar vest
• KoL Con 12-gauge
• KoL Con 3-D Glasses
• KoL Con Cinco Piñata Bat
• KoL Con IV Pole
• KoL Con Six Pack
• KoL Con X Bingo Card
• KoL Con X Treasure Map
• Kramco Sausage-o-Matic™
• Kremlin's Greatest Briefcase
• LARP carp
• LIDAR candle
• LT&T tattoo kit
• Lapis Lazuli
• Leapin' Trousers
• Libram of BRICKOs
• Libram of Candy Heart Summoning
• Libram of Divine Favors
• Libram of Love Songs
• Libram of Resolutions
• License to Chill
• Lil' Doctor™ bag
• Living to Drink, Drinking to Live
• Loathing Idol Microphone (25% charged)
• Loathing Idol Microphone (50% charged)
• Loathing Idol Microphone (75% charged)
• Loathing Legion abacus
• Loathing Legion can opener
• Loathing Legion chainsaw
• Loathing Legion corkscrew
• Loathing Legion defibrillator
• Loathing Legion double prism
• Loathing Legion electric knife
• Loathing Legion flamethrower
• Loathing Legion hammer
• Loathing Legion helicopter
• Loathing Legion jackhammer
• Loathing Legion kitchen sink
• Loathing Legion many-purpose hook
• Loathing Legion moondial
• Loathing Legion necktie
• Loathing Legion pizza stone
• Loathing Legion rollerblades
• Loathing Legion tape measure
• Loathing Legion universal screwdriver
• Lucky Lindy
• LyleCo premium magnifying glass
• LyleCo premium monocle
• LyleCo premium pickaxe
• LyleCo premium rope
• MAHI fez
• Mafia bow tie
• Mafia stogie
• Mafia violin case
• Maiali Sifilitici Pinot Noir
• Map to Kokomo
• March hat
• Marltini
• Marvelous Unitard
• Mayam Calendar
• Mayam spinach
• Mjolnir Jr.
• Mob Penguin protection contract
• Mr. Container
• Mr. Exploiter
• Mr. Shirt
• Mt. Noob Pale Ale
• Murgatroyd diode
• My Life of Crime, a Memoir
• My Own Pen Pal kit
• N. O. Beer
• Napalm In The Morning™ candle
• Newbiesport™ backpack
• Oopsie IPA
• Oscus's neverending soda
• Otorian Battle Scar
• PARTY HARD T-shirt
• Panda outfit
• Party Planning on a Budget
• Party Tattoo™ gift certificate
• Periodical Paintbrush
• Petite Paintbrush
• Phonus Balonus
• Platinum HP-35 Calculator
• Platinum Yendorian Express Card
• Pocket Guide to Mild Evil (used)
• Powerful Glove
• Quartet of Flare Masters Jacket
• Radio Free Baseball Cap
• Radio Free Foil
• Radio Free Jersey
• Radio Free Pants
• Radio KoL Antenna Ball
• Radio KoL Bottle Opener
• Radio KoL Coffee Mug
• Radio KoL Flashlight
• Radio KoL Keychain
• Radio KoL Maracas
• Radio KoL Patch
• Rainbow Jello Mould
• Red Roger's skull
• Roman Candelabra
• S.I.T. Course Completion Certificate
• Salsa Caliente™ candle
• Scandalously Skimpy Bikini
• Scent of a Human™ candle
• Schmalz's First Prize Beer
• Scratch 'n' Sniff Sticker Tome
• Seasonal Beret
• Senior LAAAAME merit badge
• Sept-Ember Censer
• Seven Loco
• Sexy Cosmo
• Silver HP-35 Calculator
• Size XI Wizard's Robe
• Sloppy Jalopy
• Smoldering Clover™ candle
• Sockdollager
• Solstice Shield
• Sombrero De Vida
• SongBoom™ BoomBox
• Souvenir Chopsticks
• Sp'n-Zor's Grimoire of "Tasteful" Gifts
• Space Pirate Astrogation Handbook
• Spasmi Dolorosi Del Rene Champagne
• SpinMaster™ lathe
• Spirit of Christmas
• Spooky Putty ball
• Spooky Putty leotard
• Spooky Putty mitre
• Spooky Putty monster
• Spooky Putty snake
• St. Sneaky Pete's Whey
• Staff of Queso Escusado
• Star of Bravery
• Stupid University Diploma
• TakerSpace letter of Marque
• Talisman of Baio
• Temporal Tempera Tube
• The Beast Within™ candle
• The Cocktail Shaker
• The Eye of the Thing in the Basement
• The Fingernail of the Thing in the Basement
• The Superconductor's CPU
• Tickle-Me Emilio
• Time Juice
• Time Lord Badge of Honor
• Time-Spinner
• Toddler-sized Dragon Costume
• Tome of Clip Art
• Tome of Snowcone Summoning
• Tome of Sugar Shummoning
• Toot Oriole care package
• Totally Gay Claymore
• Trainbot autoassembly module
• Trainbot harness
• Trainbot radar monocle
• Trainbot slag
• Trivial Avocations board game
• Uncle Crimbo's Sack
• Underworld acorn
• Underworld trunk
• Uovo Marcio Shiraz
• Val-U Brand Every Bean Salad
• Vegetable of Jarlsberg
• Velougats™
• Velvet Veil
• Voluminous Radio Hat
• Voluminous Radio Pants
• Voluminous Radio Sneakers
• Warehouse 23 bling
• Warehouse 23 crate
• Xlyinia's notebook
• Yeast of Boris
• Yeg's Motel disposable razor
• Yeg's Motel pillow mint
• Yeg's Motel stationery
• Yeg's Motel toothbrush
• Yeti Protest Sign
• [reuse me]
• a cute angel
• a suspicious address
• abyssal battle plans
• adobe assortment
• alien animal milk
• alien zoological sample
• ancient Elf dessert spoon
• angry agate
• anniversary burlap belt
• arcanoferric housing
• arse-shooting crossbow
• astral badger
• august scepter
• automa-bot parts
• autumn breeze
• autumn dollar
• autumn years wisdom
• backup camera
• bad penguin egg
• banana candle
• banana-frosted king cake
• bar of freeze-dried water
• bat wings
• batskin belt
• battery (9-Volt)
• battery (AA)
• battery (D)
• battery (car)
• battery (lantern)
• battoo kit
• beet
• beetle antenna
• bejazzled eyepatch
• best joke ever
• big hot pepper
• big ol' trophy
• birdybug antenna
• birthday candle
• blank note
• blank white card
• blown-out speaker cone
• blue glowstick
• blue plate
• blueberry-frosted king cake
• bodyguard badge
• bodyslam
• bolder boulder
• boot plant
• booze drive button
• booze mailing list
• bottled green pixie
• bowl of oriole's nest soup
• box of Gratitude chocolates
• boxed Apriling band helmet
• brown pirate pants
• bug juice
• bugbear-smiting sword
• bullet necklace
• calm attention-deficit demon
• candied almond
• candy cane sword cane
• candy cornucopia
• candy drive button
• candy egg deviler
• candy mailing list
• cannonbomb
• carbonite visor
• carrot cake precipice bar
• cat o' nine teeth
• cement shoes
• ceramic scree
• cherry bomb
• chiffon carbage
• chiffon lemon
• chitin powder
• chitin powder paste
• chocolate covered ping-pong ball
• chocolate pocketwatch
• chocolate-covered loofah
• class five ecto-larva
• closed-circuit pay phone
• clovermint
• coffee sprite
• combat lover's locket
• complex alien zoological sample
• consolation ribbon
• container of Spooky Putty
• cool mint precipice bar
• cotton candy cocoon
• cozy scarf
• crimbo elfling
• crunchy brush
• cup of "tea"
• cursed Aztec tamale
• cursed magnifying glass
• cursed monkey's paw
• cursed pirate cutlass
• cursed swash buckle
• cursed tricorn hat
• daddy shortlegs leg
• dandy lion cub
• deactivated RoboGoose
• defective Golden Mr. Accessory
• deflated inflatable dodecapede
• designer sweatpants
• detour shield
• deviled candy egg
• dirty martini
• doppelshifter egg
• drippy shield
• drippy snail shell
• drippy staff
• dromedary drinking helmet
• ear candle
• electric mushroom
• ember egg
• embering hunk
• emo roe
• empty Rain-Doh can
• empty hourglass
• energized spores
• enhanced signal receiver
• etched hourglass
• evil flaming eyeball pendant
• evil noodles
• evil paper umbrella
• exclusive ultra-rare item
• extra DNA
• extra ooze
• extra special Crimbo stocking
• extra time
• extra-grubby grub
• extra-hard jawbreaker
• fairy-worn boots
• familiar scrapbook
• festive warbear bank
• fetus-smashing club
• fiberglass insulation
• filled mosquito
• fire ant pheromones
• fire-roasted lake trout
• fistful of wood shavings
• five-fingered fern resin
• fixodent
• flagellate flagon
• flagstone flagments
• flame orb
• flaming familiar doppelgänger
• flaming juggler's balls
• flapper fly
• flask of moonshine
• flickering pixel
• flimsy hardwood scraps
• floaty stone sphere
• food drive button
• food mailing list
• foreign box
• fossilized necklace
• fragile Christmas ornament
• frankincenser
• fresh coat of paint
• fruity pebble
• funny paper hat
• fuzzy bracelets
• gaffer's tape
• gasmask
• genie bottle
• gilded trumpet
• glass of "milk"
• glob of extra-green chlorophyll
• glowing frisbee
• golden pet rock
• golden sausage
• goo magnet
• governor's daughter's lace collar
• governor's daughter's pearl hairpin
• governor's daughter's petticoats
• gravyskin buckler
• gravyskin hat
• gravyskin pants
• gravyskin skirt
• greedy ghostling
• gregarious ghostling
• grinning ghostling
• grogtini
• guild application
• guilty sprout
• haemolymphnode
• hand turkey outline
• hand-knitted diving booties
• handful of split pea soup
• hard rock
• hemp backpack
• heteroerotic frat-paddle
• hewn moon-rune spoon
• hi-density nylocite leg armor
• hibernating robot reindeer
• hobo code binder
• hobo monkey
• hockey stick of furious angry rage
• holiday smorgasbord
• holiday trip around the world
• hollow rock
• homeless hobo spirit
• hourglass
• hungover chauvinist pig
• iceberglet
• imported taffy
• indie comic hipster glasses
• industrial fire extinguisher
• infant sandworm
• infinite BACON machine
• intact medium-wave antenna
• intergalactic pom poms
• jitterbug larva
• jolly roger tattoo kit
• kevlateflocite helmet
• kilopede skull
• large stone triangle
• laser cannon
• laser targeting chip
• latte lovers member's mug
• leafy browns
• liar's pants
• licorice snake
• llama lama cria
• longbox of Batfellow comics
• loofah lumps
• lucky Tam O'Shatner
• lump of bauxite
• lump of loyal latite
• luxury fly-tying workbench
• mantis skull
• map to Anemone Mine
• map to Dolph Bossin's hideout
• map to Madness Reef
• map to a candy-rich block
• map to the Dive Bar
• map to the Marinara Trench
• map to the Skate Park
• marshroom
• massive wrench
• meatball machine
• mechanically-mulled cider
• medium stone triangle
• mesquito proboscis
• messenger bag RNA
• meteorite earring
• meteorite fragment
• meteorite necklace
• meteorite ring
• military-grade peppermint oil
• mini kiwi aioli
• miniature crystal ball
• miniscule temporal rip
• moaiball
• model train set
• moss floss
• moss mulch
• mother's necklace
• mumming trunk
• myrrh pouch
• mysterious chest
• mystery lollipop
• nasty desk bell
• nativity shorts
• natural magick candle
• naughty fortune teller
• naughty origami kit
• naughty paper shuriken
• nauseating reagent
• ncle leg
• neck wreath
• nervous tick egg
• nest egg
• newly-hatched mayonnaise wasp
• nylon Christmas stockings
• off-hand balloon
• old school Mafia knickerbockers
• old-fashioned Crimbo Pressie
• one million meat pancakes
• orange traffic cone
• organ grinder
• origami "gentlemen's" magazine
• origami riding crop
• orphan baby yeti
• out-of-work circus flea
• over-the-shoulder Folder Holder
• overflowing gift basket
• overloaded short-pulse transistor
• oxygenated eggnog helmet
• packaged cold medicine cabinet
• packet of mayfly bait
• packet of mushroom spores
• packet of rock seeds
• panicked kernel
• party pup
• passed-out psychedelic bear
• pea brittle
• peace shooter
• peasco sour
• peaza
• pebble of proud pyrite
• pegfinger
• peppermint bomb
• peppermint harpoon gun
• peppermint tack
• perfect Christmas scarf
• perfectly ordinary frog
• personal raindrop
• personalized wassail stein
• photo booth sized crate
• piece of cake
• pile of gritty sand
• pile of smoking rags
• ping-pong ball
• pirate pantaloons
• pirate shaving cream
• pixel bread
• pixel whiskey
• plexifoam chin strap
• polymorphic fastening apparatus
• portable pantogram
• portable steam unit
• potted power plant
• present
• primitive alien blowgun
• primitive alien loincloth
• primitive alien necklace
• primitive alien spear
• primitive alien totem
• prohie's hat
• proto-proto-protozoa
• protogenetic chunklet (elbow)
• protogenetic chunklet (flagellum)
• protogenetic chunklet (lips)
• protogenetic chunklet (muscle)
• protogenetic chunklet (synapse)
• protonic accelerator pack
• pumpkin spice whorl
• punching mirror
• purple glowstick
• puzzling ribbon
• puzzling trophy
• pygmy bugbear shaman
• quantized familiar
• quantized familiar experience
• quantum watch
• raffle ticket
• ragged wool yarn
• rainbow glitter candle
• rainbow jellybean
• rainbow pearl
• rainbow pearl earring
• rainbow pearl necklace
• rainbow pearl ring
• rare oboe
• real cowboy hat
• red-hot medallion
• red-soled high heels
• refurbished air fryer
• rehearsing dramatic hedgehog
• ring
• rubber WWBBDD? bracelet
• rum ball
• rutabuga bag
• sampler size toothpaste
• sane hatrack
• savings bond
• sawed-off blunderbuss
• scroll of minor invulnerability
• scroll of protection from lycanthropes
• second-hand knockoff engagement ring
• senate fly thorax
• set of Unobtainium straps
• shadow candy
• shim of shame shale
• shipwright's hammer
• siesta-ing Casagnova gnome
• signal receiver
• silicon-infused gluteal shield
• silk garter snake
• silver sausage
• silver table-scraper
• single-use dust mask
• sinister ancient tablet
• skewered cherry
• skewered jumbo olive
• skewered lime
• skull of the Bonerdagon
• sleeping piano cat
• small Crimbo Pressie
• small stone triangle
• smoldering box
• snowman-enchanting tophat
• sober pill
• soft cap of diminishing returns
• souvenir flag
• space blanket
• spare battery
• sparkly engagement ring
• spider leg
• spinal-fluid-covered emotion chip
• spooky rattling cigar box
• spring shoes
• squamous polyp
• stained glass shards
• stained hard candy
• steamed oyster
• steaming evil
• stinky cheese diaper
• stinky cheese eye
• stinky cheese sword
• stinky cheese wheel
• strange stone pyramid
• stuffed yam stinkbomb
• styrofoam peanuts
• subscription cocoa dispenser
• super good fruit
• superhero mask
• suspicious stocking
• sweet nutcracker
• tabletop candy dispenser
• talkative skull
• tattoo gun
• tattoo of two turkeys
• teacher's pen
• tearaway pants
• testy toolbox
• thanksgiving bomb
• thermos of "whiskey"
• tiny Tina gun
• tiny consolation ribbon
• tiny ember
• tiny plastic "Santa Claus"
• tiny plastic Colonel Brando
• tiny plastic Easter Island Bunny
• tiny plastic Jedediah and Boiling Cloud
• tiny plastic St. Patrick
• tiny plastic spoiler
• tiny stillsuit
• tooth cap
• toothy trousers
• train whistle
• trampled ticket stub
• tropical Crimbo pressie
• ultimate wad
• ultra-soft ferns
• unbreakable umbrella
• unearthed volcanic meteoroid
• unemployed hunchbacked minion
• unevolved organism
• uniclops egg
• unwound cymbal-playing monkey
• unwrapped knock-off retro superhero cape
• vampyric cloake
• vanilla-frosted king cake
• velour veneer
• vesper
• voodoo doll
• votive of confidence
• wad of Crovacite
• warbear black box
• warbear breakfast machine
• warbear soda machine
• wardrobe-o-matic
• water balloon
• wax lips
• webbed comic mask
• wedge of gray cheese
• whale cerebrospinal fluid
• whirled peas
• wizard action figure
• wrapping paper
• yam and swiss
• yam battery
• yam burrito
• yam martini
• yam mayo
• yam slider
• yellow traffic cone
• yuletide troll chrysalis
• zombie monkey necklace