In their foolhardy quest to collect every item, this player comes 724 short.

• Franken Stein
• 'Villa' document
• 1 Meat
• 17-ball
• 18-picohertz resonator crystal
• 2002 Mr. Store Catalog
• Abuela Crimbo's special magnet
• Acqua Del Piatto Merlot
• Acque Luride Grezze Cabernet
• Admiral's hat
• Adventurer bobblehead
• Adventurer's Kit
• Alice's Army Foil tattoo
• Annual Ascot
• Apriling band helmet
• Ascension Souvenir T-Shirt
• Banfoy's Boutique Order Form
• Bastille Battalion Fondue Trophy
• Beach Comb Box
• Bee's Knees
• Better Shrooms and Gardens catalog
• Bigger Bugfinder Blade
• Book of Old-Timey Carols
• Boris's Helm (askew)
• Bowl of Infinite Jelly
• Bugfinder Blade
• Carol of the Bulls (used)
• Carol of the Hells (used)
• Carol of the Thrills (used)
• Cat-Herding Prod
• Chef Boy, R&D's business card
• Cheshire Bitten
• Children's Meal of the Damned
• Christmas ham
• Cincho de Mayo
• Clan Carnival Game
• Clan Floundry
• Clan VIP Lounge key
• Colera Peste Nebbiolo
• Comprehensive Cartographic Compendium
• Congressional Medal of Insanity
• Counterclockwise Watch
• Crimbo pressie
• Crimbo smile
• Crimbo training manual
• DIY protonic accelerator kit
• Dallas Dynasty Falcon Crest shield
• Dark Jill-O-Lantern
• Deactivated MiniMechaElf
• Dear Past Self Package
• Diamond HP-35 Calculator
• Dinsey Maintenance Manual
• Discontent™ Winter Garden Catalog
• Distant Woods Getaway Brochure
• Doll Moll violin case
• Dolph Bossin's charity note
• Driplet
• Dripwood slab
• Drunk Uncles holo-record
• Drunkula's wineglass
• EMD holo-record
• Easter eggnog
• El Vibrato trapezoid
• Elf Guard safety bear
• Emblem of Ak'gyxoth
• Essence of Annoyance
• Essence of Bear
• Everfull Dart Holster
• FDKOL commendation
• FDKOL tattoo
• Ferita Del Petto Zinfandel
• First Post shirt - Cir Senam
• Flivver
• Folder Holder
• Fourth of May Cosplay Saber kit
• Frank Gorshin trophy
• General Assembly Module
• God Lobster Egg
• Golden HP-35 Calculator
• Golden Mr. Accessory
• Golden Mr. Eh?
• Gordon Beer's Beer Garden Catalog
• Granny Tood's Thanksgarden Catalog
• Great S-Cape
• Gregarious Gregorian Smock
• Grimacite gaiters
• Grimacite galoshes
• Grimacite garter
• Grimacite gasmask
• Grimacite gat
• Grimacite gauntlets
• Grimacite girdle
• Grimacite glaive
• Grimacite go-go boots
• Grimacite goggles
• Grimacite gorget
• Grimacite gown
• Grimacite greaves
• Grimacite guayabera
• Guzzlr application
• Gygaxian Libram
• HP-35 Calculator
• Hanukkimbo dreidl
• Hat O' Nine Tails
• Hodgman's disgusting technicolor overcoat
• Hot Socks
• Hoyle's Guide to Reindeer Games
• Hoyle's Guide to Reindeer Games (used)
• Idol of Ak'gyxoth
• Ish Kabibble
• Item #13
• Jarlsberg's pan (Cosmic portal mode)
• Jeppson's Malort
• Jick's autograph
• Jick-o-User
• June cleaver
• Junior LAAAAME merit badge
• Jurassic Parka
• KoL Con 12-gauge
• KoL Con 3-D Glasses
• KoL Con 8-Bit power bracelet
• KoL Con Cinco Piñata Bat
• KoL Con IV Pole
• KoL Con Six Pack
• KoL Con X Bingo Card
• KoL Con X Treasure Map
• KoLHS Pep Squad Box
• Krampus Horn
• L.I.M.P. Stock Certificate
• LARP carp
• LI-11 Motor Pool voucher
• LIDAR candle
• LT&T telegraph office deed
• Leapin' Trousers
• Living to Drink, Drinking to Live
• Lord Flameface's cloak
• Lucky Lindy
• Lucky Strikes holo-record
• LyleCo premium magnifying glass
• LyleCo premium monocle
• LyleCo premium pickaxe
• LyleCo premium rope
• MAHI fez
• Mafia bow tie
• Mafia stogie
• Mafia violin case
• Maiali Sifilitici Pinot Noir
• Manual of Numberology
• March hat
• Marvelous Unitard
• Mayam Calendar
• Mayor Ghost's scissors
• McPhee's Grimoire of Hilarious Object Summoning
• Mjolnir Jr.
• Mob Penguin protection contract
• Monster Manuel
• Mr. Container
• Mr. Exploiter
• Mr. Shirt
• Mt. Noob Pale Ale
• Mu
• Murgatroyd diode
• N. O. Beer
• Newbiesport™ backpack
• Official Council Aide Pin
• Official Seal of Dreadsylvania
• Oopsie IPA
• Otorian Battle Scar
• Pack of Every Card
• Panda outfit
• Pantsgiving
• Party Planning on a Budget
• Party Tattoo™ gift certificate
• Periodical Paintbrush
• Pete & Jackie's Dragon Tooth Emporium Catalog
• Petite Paintbrush
• Phonus Balonus
• PirateRealm membership packet
• Platinum HP-35 Calculator
• Platinum Yendorian Express Card
• Pocket Meteor Guide
• Quartet of Flare Masters Jacket
• Radio Free Baseball Cap
• Radio Free Foil
• Radio Free Jersey
• Radio Free Pants
• Radio KoL Antenna Ball
• Radio KoL Bottle Opener
• Radio KoL Coffee Mug
• Radio KoL Flashlight
• Radio KoL Keychain
• Radio KoL Maracas
• Radio KoL Patch
• Rainbow Jello Mould
• Rethinking Candy
• Retrospecs try-at-home kit
• Roman Candelabra
• Royal scepter
• S.I.T. Course Completion Certificate
• SalesCo sample kit
• Scandalously Skimpy Bikini
• Science Notebook
• Scratch-and-Sniff Guide to Dinseylandfill
• Seasonal Beret
• Senior LAAAAME merit badge
• Sept-Ember Censer
• Seven Loco
• Silver HP-35 Calculator
• Size XI Wizard's Robe
• Skipper's accordion
• Sloppy Jalopy
• Sneaky Pete's leather jacket (collar popped)
• Sockdollager
• Solstice Shield
• Sombrero De Vida
• Source terminal
• Spasmi Dolorosi Del Rene Champagne
• Spelunker's Guild prize sack
• Spelunker's fedora
• Spelunker's khakis
• Spelunker's whip
• Spirit of Christmas
• Star of Bravery
• Stupid University Diploma
• Superhero Reboots
• TakerSpace letter of Marque
• Tales of Dread
• Tales of the Word Realms
• Talisman of Baio
• Talisman of Bakula
• Temporal Tempera Tube
• The Eye of the Thing in the Basement
• The Fingernail of the Thing in the Basement
• The Inquisitor's unidentifiable object
• The Jokester's pants
• The Jokester's wig
• The Necbromancer's Hat
• The Necbromancer's Shorts
• The Necbromancer's Stein
• The Necbromancer's Wizard Staff
• The Nuge's favorite crossbow
• The Pigs holo-record
• The Sagittarian's leisure pants
• The Smith's Tome
• The Superconductor's CPU
• Third Eye
• Thwaitgold Goliath beetle statuette
• Thwaitgold protozoa statuette
• Thwaitgold shield bug statuette
• Thwaitgold slug statuette
• Thwaitgold termite statuette
• Thwaitgold time fly statuette
• Tickle-Me Emilio
• Time Lord Badge of Honor
• Toddler-sized Dragon Costume
• Tome of Rad Libs
• Tome of Snowcone Summoning
• Toot Oriole care package
• Totally Gay Claymore
• Ultra Mega Sour Ball
• Uncle Crimbo's Sack
• Uncle Crimbo's hat
• Unionize The Elves sign
• Unopened Eight Days a Week Pill Keeper
• Uovo Marcio Shiraz
• Val-U Brand Every Bean Salad
• Velougats™
• Voluminous Radio Hat
• Voluminous Radio Pants
• Voluminous Radio Sneakers
• Warehouse 23 bling
• Warehouse 23 crate
• Warms-Your-Tush
• Witchess Set
• X-32-F snowman crate
• Xlyinia's notebook
• [reuse me]
• a suspicious address
• abyssal battle plans
• adobe abacus
• adobe abaya
• adobe adze
• adobe arsecover
• adobe ascot
• adobe assortment
• adobe ayam
• aerosolized aerogel
• airplane charter: Spring Break Beach
• airplane charter: That 70s Volcano
• airplane charter: The Glaciest
• anniversary gift box
• antique nutcracker beard
• antique nutcracker boots
• antique nutcracker cape
• antique nutcracker drumstick
• antique nutcracker epaulets
• antique nutcracker hat
• antique nutcracker pants
• antique nutcracker sword
• antique nutcracker waistcoat
• arcanoferric housing
• arse-shooting crossbow
• astral badger
• astronaut ice-cream
• august scepter
• avatar of the Unconscious Collective
• aviator goggles
• baby camelCalf
• bad vibroknife
• bag of Iunion stones
• bagged Cargo Cultist Shorts
• bakelite bits
• bat wings
• battoo kit
• beet
• bejazzled eyepatch
• best joke ever
• big ol' trophy
• birthday candle
• blank note
• blank white card
• blown-out speaker cone
• blue traffic cone
• bodyguard badge
• boot plant
• booze drive button
• booze mailing list
• bowl of oriole's nest soup
• box of Gratitude chocolates
• bugbear-smiting sword
• candy cane sword cane
• candy drive button
• candy mailing list
• carbonite visor
• cement shoes
• ceramic celery grater
• ceramic celsiturometer
• ceramic cenobite's robe
• ceramic centurion shield
• ceramic cerecloth belt
• ceramic cestus
• ceramic scree
• chalk chain
• chalk chalice
• chalk chapeau
• chalk chinos
• chalk chlamys
• chalk choker
• chalk chunks
• cheer extractor
• chiffon carbage
• chiffon chakram
• chiffon chamberpot
• chiffon chapeau
• chiffon chaps
• chiffon chemise
• chiffon chevrons
• chili powder cutlass
• clan underground fireworks shop
• closed-circuit pay phone
• clovermint
• coal paperweight
• coffee sprite
• combat lover's locket
• complicated device
• control crystal
• corked genie bottle
• cozy scarf
• crazy bastard sword
• crimbo elfling
• crystal belt buckle
• crystalline seal eye
• cuckoo clock
• cup of "tea"
• cursed Aztec tamale
• cursed magnifying glass
• cursed microwave
• cursed monkey's paw
• cursed pony keg
• custom avatar form
• deactivated RoboGoose
• deactivated nanobots
• deanimated reanimator's coffin
• deck of lewd playing cards
• defective Golden Mr. Accessory
• deflated inflatable dodecapede
• designer sweatpants
• detective school application
• do-it-yourself laser eye surgery kit
• donated booze
• donated candy
• donated food
• doppelshifter egg
• dreaming Jung man
• drippy diadem
• drippy shield
• drippy snail shell
• drippy staff
• eerily silent box
• electronic Brain Trainer game
• elf sleeper agent
• ember egg
• emo roe
• emotion chip
• empty Rain-Doh can
• enhanced signal receiver
• exclusive ultra-rare item
• experimental carbon fiber pasta additive
• extra special Crimbo stocking
• festive warbear bank
• fetus-smashing club
• fiberglass fedora
• fiberglass fibers
• fistful of ashes
• flagstone fez
• flagstone flag
• flagstone flagments
• flagstone flail
• flagstone fleece
• flagstone flip-flops
• flagstone fringe
• flickering pixel
• food drive button
• food mailing list
• fragile Christmas ornament
• frankincenser
• free-range mushroom
• fried air
• fuzzy bracelets
• gabardine gaiters
• gabardine garibaldi
• gabardine garland
• gabardine girdle
• gabardine gloves
• gabardine gunnysack
• gabardine smithereens
• gasmask
• gattoo
• glass of "milk"
• golden pet rock
• golden sausage
• goo magnet
• government booze shipment
• government candy shipment
• government food shipment
• governor's daughter's lace collar
• governor's daughter's pearl hairpin
• governor's daughter's petticoats
• greedy ghostling
• green face paint
• green pill
• green traffic cone
• gregarious ghostling
• grey gosling
• grinning ghostling
• groggles
• guild application
• hand of Mr. Cards
• hand turkey outline
• hand-knitted diving booties
• haunted doghouse
• hazardous sauce dosimeter
• heart-shaped crate
• hemp backpack
• heteroerotic frat-paddle
• hi-density nylocite leg armor
• hippo tutu
• hobo code binder
• hockey stick of furious angry rage
• holiday smorgasbord
• holiday trip around the world
• homeless hobo spirit
• homemade robot
• hypnodisk
• incredibly dense meat gem
• indie comic hipster glasses
• intact medium-wave antenna
• intergalactic pom poms
• intricate clockwork big hand
• intricate clockwork birdhouse
• intricate clockwork cuckoo
• intricate clockwork disc
• intricate clockwork little hand
• intricate clockwork numeral I
• intricate clockwork numeral II
• intricate clockwork numeral III
• intricate clockwork numeral IV
• intricate clockwork numeral IX
• intricate clockwork numeral V
• intricate clockwork numeral VI
• intricate clockwork numeral VII
• intricate clockwork numeral VIII
• intricate clockwork numeral X
• intricate clockwork numeral XI
• intricate clockwork numeral XII
• ittah bittah hookah
• jolly roger tattoo kit
• kevlateflocite helmet
• large stone triangle
• laser cannon
• laser targeting chip
• li'l orphan tot
• longbox of Batfellow comics
• loofah ladle
• loofah lavalier
• loofah lederhosen
• loofah legwarmers
• loofah lei
• loofah lumberjack's hat
• loofah lumps
• lucky napkin
• luxury fly-tying workbench
• map to Anemone Mine
• map to Dolph Bossin's hideout
• map to Madness Reef
• map to the Cursed Village
• map to the Dive Bar
• map to the Marinara Trench
• map to the Mystic Wood
• map to the Putrid Swamp
• map to the Skate Park
• map to the Sprawling Cemetery
• map to the Towering Mountains
• marble molecules
• mechanically-mulled cider
• medium stone triangle
• meteorite earring
• meteorite fragment
• meteorite necklace
• meteorite ring
• mime pocket probe
• mime-proof sunglasses
• miniscule temporal rip
• mint-in-box Powerful Glove
• moaiball
• model train set
• moss mace
• moss mantle
• moss marlinspike
• moss medal
• moss megaphone
• moss mitre
• moss mulch
• myrrh pouch
• nativity shorts
• neck wreath
• nest egg
• newly-hatched mayonnaise wasp
• note from Clancy
• novelty monorail ticket
• nylon Christmas stockings
• off-hand balloon
• old school Mafia knickerbockers
• one million meat pancakes
• optimal spreadsheet
• orange traffic cone
• orphan baby yeti
• overflowing gift basket
• overloaded short-pulse transistor
• oxygenated eggnog helmet
• packaged Pocket Professor
• packaged SpinMaster™ lathe
• packaged backup camera
• packaged knock-off retro superhero cape
• packaged luxury garment
• packaged miniature crystal ball
• packet of rock seeds
• paraffin palazzos
• paraffin pendant
• paraffin pieces
• paraffin pith helmet
• paraffin poncho
• paraffin pseudoaccordion
• paraffin punching bag
• peace shooter
• peppermint harpoon gun
• perfect Christmas scarf
• perfectly fair coin
• personal raindrop
• personalized wassail stein
• pile of smoking rags
• pirate hook
• pirate pantaloons
• plexifoam chin strap
• polyesterene powder
• polymorphic fastening apparatus
• porcelain powder
• potato jacket
• power seed
• present
• primitive alien blowgun
• primitive alien loincloth
• primitive alien necklace
• primitive alien spear
• primitive alien totem
• profane eye patch
• protonic accelerator pack
• pumpkin spice whorl
• puzzling trophy
• pygmy bugbear shaman
• quantized familiar
• quantized familiar experience
• quantum watch
• raffle prize box
• raffle ticket
• ragged wool yarn
• rainbow pearl
• rainbow pearl earring
• rainbow pearl necklace
• rainbow pearl ring
• real cowboy hat
• really nice lump of coal
• red face paint
• red plumber's boots
• red traffic cone
• red-spotted snapper roe
• refurbished air fryer
• rehearsing dramatic hedgehog
• repaid diaper
• rose-colored glasses
• rubber WWBBDD? bracelet
• rum ball
• rune-strewn spoon cocoon
• saffron antaravasaka
• saffron uttarasanga
• scabrous seal epaulets
• sea-worn candlestick
• seal medal
• second-hand knockoff engagement ring
• set of Unobtainium straps
• shiny brass tailfeathers
• shortest-order cook
• shrine to the Barrel god
• signal receiver
• silent nightlight
• silicon-infused gluteal shield
• silk garter snake
• silky pirate drawers
• silver sausage
• sinistral homunculus
• skewered cherry
• skewered jumbo olive
• skewered lime
• skull capacitor
• sleeping profane parrot
• small stone triangle
• snowman-enchanting tophat
• sober pill
• soft cap of diminishing returns
• sorority girl's box
• soul monocle
• souvenir flag
• space planula
• sparkly engagement ring
• special edition Batfellow comic
• spirit bell
• spring shoes
• stained glass serape
• stained glass shards
• stained glass shield
• stained glass shiv
• stained glass spectacles
• stained glass stetson
• stained glass suspenders
• status cymbal
• steaming evil
• still grill
• strange stone pyramid
• stuffed kraken
• superhero mask
• sweet nutcracker
• tabletop candy dispenser
• talkative skull
• talking spade
• tattoo gun
• tattoo of two turkeys
• tearaway pants
• terra cotta tambourine
• terra cotta tidbits
• terra cotta tongs
• terra cotta train
• terra cotta truss
• testy toolbox
• thermos of "whiskey"
• time-twitching toolbelt
• tiny Tina gun
• tiny ember
• tiny plastic "Santa Claus"
• tiny plastic Colonel Brando
• tiny plastic Jedediah and Boiling Cloud
• tiny plastic St. Patrick
• tiny plastic spoiler
• tiny stillsuit
• train whistle
• turchucken
• ultimate wad
• unbreakable umbrella
• unearthed volcanic meteoroid
• unopened Bird-a-Day calendar
• unopened diabolic pizza cube box
• unpowered Robortender
• unwound mechanical songbird
• velour valise
• velour vambraces
• velour vaqueros
• velour veil
• velour veneer
• velour viscometer
• velour voulge
• voodoo doll
• wad of Crovacite
• warbear black box
• wardrobe-o-matic
• webbed comic mask
• wickerbits
• wrapping paper
• wrought-iron flakes
• xo-skeleton-in-a-box
• yellow puck
• yellow puck with a bow on it
• yellow traffic cone
• yield shield
• zombie mariachi pants
• zombie monkey necklace